we are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams

love is all you need.

(me c. january 2008)

i don't think i have anything overly intelligent to say right now but i feel like writing and i'm going crazy i think so i guess this is a good start off the path of insanity.  i don't know if anybody cares.  but i do. 

my grampy died in february and i miss him every day and i love him so much.  he was amazing.  he was so full of life and love and passion for everything.  in my eyes he could do anything, and he probably could and would if it was in his power to do so.  he was always there if i needed to talk, or if i just wanted to sit and watch jeopardy that was fine too.  i remember everything about him perfectly.  his eyes were light, light blue.  he was tall and wide and a teddy bear... theoretically speaking.  he wasn't actually a bear.  haha.  he'd laugh at that.  he wore dentures and when me and daniel were little he would like, do tricks with them.  i can't explain it.  and he always had his hair perfectly styled.  that's how i was able to know he was sick... his hair was a mess and his face was scruffy.  

i think he knew he was going to die and i don't think he was scared.  i think he didn't want us to know that he knew because when i went to see him the night he died, as i was leaving he said, "you're coming back tomorrow right?" and i said, "of course i'm coming back tomorrow grampy!"  and he just smiled and said he loved me.  and i said i loved him too.  

i don't fear death - i welcome it.  not that i want to die, i don't (not yet anyway), but i think that if there was a way to know when i was going to die, i would want to know.  today i learned about epicureans and their view of death.  epicurus says, "death is nothing to us; for that which is dissolved, is without sensation, and that which lacks sensation is nothing to us."  and that's so true.  once you're gone, you don't have to worry about anything, you feel nothing.  but sometimes i wonder what the spirit goes through once the body is gone.  the spirit has to watch everyone the body loves collapse into heartbreak and mourning.  that would be hard, i think, if spirits feel the same way that humans do.  i don't know, and i won't know until i'm dead and gone.  it's so weird.  

"don't fear god, 

don't worry about death; 

what is good is easy to get, and

what is terrible is easy to endure."